Become yourself - a lesson in failure.
Monday I accepted a job I know I will be very successful at - and miserable at. It pays well.
I will work 45+ hours a week, which includes a half-day on Saturdays. Every Saturday. Hell starts Monday.
Oprah, you taught me nothing, but you can still wish me good luck.
___________________________
December 1st
On Oprah yesterday, actress Ellen Burstyn spoke about her book Lessons in Becoming Myself. Composed and elegant in crystal and silk at 73, she talked about the "tracks" that are laid when we are young and how hard it is to break free of their path. She claims it took 25 years to become awake in her life - to become who she was and what it meant when she made conscious choices.
Lessons learned from this leading lady: it is okay to choose your life, to be powerful and a woman and be loved all at the same time.
How, how, how?
Another idea that I really found striking came from actress Kimberly Elise who said she felt like it took her so long to meet and become her true self because she was a very young wife and mother. The job was so all-consuming that she didn't know who she was or what she wanted until she divorced. Now, she says, she has been able to take time to understand herself, to take care of herself and to choose a "track," a path that is her own. I can relate to this!
I make flippant remarks about my "air-headedness" to other mothers who assure me that it is okay. Mothers just feel frazzled and foggy and half-asleep all the time. The three year old in me wants a better answer: why, why, why?
It is not okay.
This is the time that I have - right now and all the yesterdays missed.
I post about feeling indifferent about broken glass when I am barefoot, being asleep and perfectly functional at my job, being a blackhole for ownership - a void, in every sense of the word. I feel myself as a little blond girl in a red peacoat on the front of a Christmas card, but instead of peeking through a snowy window, it is a dirty one. And I'm not seeing just a Christmas tree or carolers, I'm watching a life that is wonderful, that is hopeful and weirdly mine. And I'm two-dimensional. I'm flat. I'm an outline or a cut-out. It is not possible to participate in such a life in the state I am in.
Oprah's graceful icons say that they met and beat and survived Struggle to become themselves. I have met Struggle and his persistent allies Doubt and Anxiety, and I have overcome them time and again - especially recently. But nothing. I am still asleep. I am still rolling down a track I have claimed but have no interest in. I am still making someone elses choices because it is so easy to do.
Now what?
Oh, great Oprah, are you out there? Your super-star guests have all the answers.
I will work 45+ hours a week, which includes a half-day on Saturdays. Every Saturday. Hell starts Monday.
Oprah, you taught me nothing, but you can still wish me good luck.
___________________________
December 1st
On Oprah yesterday, actress Ellen Burstyn spoke about her book Lessons in Becoming Myself. Composed and elegant in crystal and silk at 73, she talked about the "tracks" that are laid when we are young and how hard it is to break free of their path. She claims it took 25 years to become awake in her life - to become who she was and what it meant when she made conscious choices.
Lessons learned from this leading lady: it is okay to choose your life, to be powerful and a woman and be loved all at the same time.
How, how, how?
Another idea that I really found striking came from actress Kimberly Elise who said she felt like it took her so long to meet and become her true self because she was a very young wife and mother. The job was so all-consuming that she didn't know who she was or what she wanted until she divorced. Now, she says, she has been able to take time to understand herself, to take care of herself and to choose a "track," a path that is her own. I can relate to this!
I make flippant remarks about my "air-headedness" to other mothers who assure me that it is okay. Mothers just feel frazzled and foggy and half-asleep all the time. The three year old in me wants a better answer: why, why, why?
It is not okay.
This is the time that I have - right now and all the yesterdays missed.
I post about feeling indifferent about broken glass when I am barefoot, being asleep and perfectly functional at my job, being a blackhole for ownership - a void, in every sense of the word. I feel myself as a little blond girl in a red peacoat on the front of a Christmas card, but instead of peeking through a snowy window, it is a dirty one. And I'm not seeing just a Christmas tree or carolers, I'm watching a life that is wonderful, that is hopeful and weirdly mine. And I'm two-dimensional. I'm flat. I'm an outline or a cut-out. It is not possible to participate in such a life in the state I am in.
Oprah's graceful icons say that they met and beat and survived Struggle to become themselves. I have met Struggle and his persistent allies Doubt and Anxiety, and I have overcome them time and again - especially recently. But nothing. I am still asleep. I am still rolling down a track I have claimed but have no interest in. I am still making someone elses choices because it is so easy to do.
Now what?
Oh, great Oprah, are you out there? Your super-star guests have all the answers.
posted by J.Helen Shaw at 7:50 AM
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