Monday, December 18, 2006

Hanukkah - Night One


Michael gets credit for this pic of our menorah on night one.







Night one went swimmingly. Michael did all the grocery shopping and made the family Chicken Parmesan and spaghetti - not exactly a Jewish meal, but excellent, nonetheless.

We followed the traditions, which I researched, as best as possible. We didn't say the prayers in Hebrew, and we were all starving so we ate within thirty minutes of lighting the candles, but we tried. And I think the important parts got through to Ethan. He is loving it - especially dreidel because he likes the chocolate coins (gelt). We are exchanging gifts - trinkets mostly - each night as our official gelt. Ethan got a Batman watch (with hands - not digital). He wore it to bed, took it off the next day and has not mentioned it since. But it is cute and we also got him a book about telling time, so this will be a learning opportunity all the way around.

The hardest part about Hanukkah is following the rules - mainly all being in the same place at the same time at night to light the menorah. It is something we would like to do all the time - eat together and spend time together after dinner, but invariably something always comes up: there is a friend in town or a game to go to, shopping to do, etc. So that part has been a challenge...And good practice.

Michael will post about night two.

Friday, December 15, 2006

History Fighting to Repeat Itself - or Not?

For those of you who have not heard, consider this:

Spain's parliament is debating the Law for the Recovery of the Historical Memory, which is a bill that will - among many, many other things - provide financial compensation to the victims of the dictatorship, recover thousands of bodies that remain in unmarked graves even forty years after Franco's passing and remove statues of and tributes to the dictator.

Picture above: Nationalist dictator Franco, in full get-up.


For the most part this is just fine with me. I believe it is always a good idea to reexamine some of the more painful periods of our lives, of our histories - personal and worldly - to remember the losses, whatever they were, and reinforce the lesson either learned or missed the first time around. (You know, so history doesn't repeat itself).

Spanish Popular Party spokesman Gustavo de Aristegui had this to say about the proposed bill: "Our transition from dictatorship to democracy is an example in Europe and I think that we've got to cherish this and not re-open wounds that have already been able to be cured, wounds that are healed...You know, leave things be, it's not an issue any more, I mean people on the street are not worried about these things any more."

What an opportunity! If Spain's civil war is such an example, shouldn't Spain be setting one?

Germany had an excellent opportunity at one time, but just this month an international conference was held in Iran to debate and question the existence and reality of the Holocaust...What? Germany specifically and Religion generally, in my opinion, have failed if even a few angry men think it is necessary to squat like Primitives in a country who supports nuclear development - another lesson left unlearned - and rail on Israel. You want to change the world? Hey, morons, don't kill people, don't wish the undoing of their cities, their countries. If it is absolutely necessary to intervene, which is ridiculous, you offer to convert them, you share what you've learned, you love them...And leave them the hell alone.

In any case, Spain seems to be struggling with what to do next - or nearly forty years later. Oh, things move so slowly. They are at the proverbial fork in the road: Take down the statues, remove the Franco legacy from mountainsides and state buildings and make things right with families scarred by the war, or leave the settled dust settled because the past isn't important to anyone "on the street," as it was put. Nobody worries about these things anymore.

I do. What do you think? Can't Spain agree on a happy medium - is it worth such division? I propose a happy medium: Pay the survivors and victims families, find their bodies. And leave up every statue of Franco there is. Document the war, the real stories on all sides and podcast it non-stop for fifty years across the entire world, so no one will forget what everything from backward politics to mere differences in believe, in tradition, can do to a nation and its people - the people that serve it.

Picture above: Should it stay or should it go? Franco's tomb - you can see it for miles...

Reference:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/5192228.stm
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6625505

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/5224762.stm

http://www.thestar.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestar/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1165963812362&call_pageid=968332188492

Monday, December 11, 2006

An Exercise in Creativity.


Faithful

Spastic

Marmalade

Traipsing

Syntax




Picture: "Dr. Suess' Island" by Alex Ford


Errors:

We are faithful traces, rotting possibilities
traipsing through marmalade lands
making tiny lizard trails, snail lines
in gooey orange peel rank.

Unravel the syntax of such scarlet hills -
tiny mounds of opportunity set for development
by spastic matchmakers commissioned

to define life - and you will find green

Suessical high rises with swizzle straw stairs
are only jarred errors of Nature’s fruit.


Poem: Jennifer Shaw

I wrote this, but I don't have any idea what it means. If it means anything, I would guess it is something like: We have no idea what we are doing on this journey called life, though we seem to be committed to messing up. And if we try to spend too much time sorting it all out, we'll be sorely disappointed in the end since reality is always wackier than we expect...

The Importance of a First Life - Saturdays Win Out!


In a moment of uncontrollable realism, I turned down the job with Austin Plumbing Supply. It was going to be too much to handle, realistically. And though it may be self-important to think so, my family needs me home more than that job was going to allow. Aside from my family, I would have been very, very unhappy working six days a week.

So maybe I did get a little bit from that Oprah show about becoming your better self. I at least managed a little bravery and made a choice that is a tad risky - because now I am jobless again - but completely right. I have spent a lot of time in the last four years trying to make the right choices, so I can only be proud of myself. I took a stand. And I believe this family can survive anything - even mere temporary joblessness - if we work together.

Also, as you may remember, I decided I need to make a plan for my life. I promised myself I would make a list of things I wanted to do in the time I have been given, and then decide what vehicle, what job, what sacrifice was going to carry me to those goals. (I am also going to consult with a career development counselor, since I my interests are so varied).

Here is a start:

Make my own work schedule.
Make my own work schedule.
Make my own work schedule.
Learn more about the body and make mine healthy.
Help young parents understand their new roles.
Dance in a company and teach dance.
Travel to/live in different countries.
Learn how to meditate.
Learn and teach a foreign language.
Write and publish a book.
Work for an art gallery.
Get an MBA
Retire on my terms...

And I'm sure there is more to come.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Giving up Saturdays.


This Saturday morning the kids, Michael and I adventured to the Omelettry on Burnet Road. While obsessively scoping out Austin Plumbing Supply's parking lot (to see if they are busy enough for my professional and constant need for stimulation), I keep passing the restaurant and thinking: I really need to go there.

I have a sweet but foggy memory of being at the Omelettry as a child - pancakes and blind-filtered sunlight, a rocky wooden chair I hung upside down from - and every time I pass by it, I am surprised it is still there - just as it was a least 20 years ago. It is perched on a corner that seems to stretch out into the middle of the street - precariously positioned to draw a driver's wandering eye but secure enough to only look like it is going to fall off into Burnet's ever-increasing traffic. And even though the paint is new, the building looks precarious, too. It could collapse inward at any moment, though the smell of buttermilk would certainly hold it up if it did.

After struggling to park in a parking lot that is cinched. like a belt, just a little too tightly, we go in. My newest theory is that parking lots completely represent what a person can expect once inside wherever they are going. Austin Plumbing Supply's lot is always pretty full for its size. There is one little row of neatly parked cars that match rows of neatly organized knobs and faucets and toilets and bath tubs. (Imagine a neat little row of bath tubs).

In the Omelettry, we were pushed up against the front window. Ethan had a lot of energy, as he should for a late Saturday morning and was bouncing off people as they pushed by. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Michael shifting, looking nervous but taking deep breaths. I was confused and in absolutely everyone's way. We needed to get on a list - and quick.

Jen for four. Ethan and I went outside to look at the line of red newspaper boxes. The air was light and cold. Refreshing. Ethan wanted a key to open the Dallas Morning News box. There were no papers in it, which made me smile with private opinions about Dallas, Texas. Cars zipped by behind us on the street. A trio of grumpy hipsters stood at the corner of the building talking about movies. Michael came out to get us. They had a table.

Michael, a man with an impeccable sense of direction, led the way to the back room through clattering spoons and butter perfume. There is the wooden chair and the sunlight. I felt the warmth wrapping me in. I can only relate it to sinking into a bowl of tomato soup (not that I've actually ever done that) without the smell, of course, but the consistency is right - creamy and slow. There was a cute blond girl sitting in the booth behind us. Ethan saw her and started singing. Loudly.

I showed him how to drink his water with a spoon. Ethan, I used to do this when I was a kid. Dip your spoon in - keep it flat, not tip first. Good. Let the water roll in, lift it really slow and slurp it out. Don't spill. Awesome, Brother. Show Dad! He was so proud.

Our breakfast arrived carried by a girl in a flowy floral skirt and a lot of beads. Ethan and I split a short stack of pancakes - two large flat disks of sweet bread. There was a hill of butter on top that looked like it came out of an ice cream scoop. It melted while I watched, creating a weighty lake of fat - a moat around a castle - on the stack. I am generous with syrup. If you have ever had Omelettry pancakes, you know what a mouthful of sin tastes like. The first bite when straight to the roof of my mouth, dissolving in its own time. The bread itself - without the butter or syrup - is sweet. I drank six glasses of water.

Saturday morning breakfasts out are an event. It is the one day in the week that feels like the beginning of something good. (Sundays are the end of something good and Mondays are usually the beginning of a week of work). Saturdays take their time, too. After a week of hurried meals, contrived conversations with co-workers you need to be on good terms with and staying up late trying to do the things you actually want to do, Saturdays provide the weary rejuvenation and refreshment. They provide a moment for the tired mind - even at 24 - to wander to memories and conversation with loved ones and good food.

I will fight for Saturday morning breakfasts.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

In All Their Glory.


Stella Edison Shaw: 4 months, two teeth and 10,000 lbs.


Ethan Marley Shaw Read: At three years - when even underwear are part of the constume.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Become yourself - a lesson in failure.

Monday I accepted a job I know I will be very successful at - and miserable at. It pays well.

I will work 45+ hours a week, which includes a half-day on Saturdays. Every Saturday. Hell starts Monday.

Oprah, you taught me nothing, but you can still wish me good luck.

___________________________

December 1st

On Oprah yesterday, actress Ellen Burstyn spoke about her book Lessons in Becoming Myself. Composed and elegant in crystal and silk at 73, she talked about the "tracks" that are laid when we are young and how hard it is to break free of their path. She claims it took 25 years to become awake in her life - to become who she was and what it meant when she made conscious choices.

Lessons learned from this leading lady: it is okay to choose your life, to be powerful and a woman and be loved all at the same time.

How, how, how?

Another idea that I really found striking came from actress Kimberly Elise who said she felt like it took her so long to meet and become her true self because she was a very young wife and mother. The job was so all-consuming that she didn't know who she was or what she wanted until she divorced. Now, she says, she has been able to take time to understand herself, to take care of herself and to choose a "track," a path that is her own. I can relate to this!

I make flippant remarks about my "air-headedness" to other mothers who assure me that it is okay. Mothers just feel frazzled and foggy and half-asleep all the time. The three year old in me wants a better answer: why, why, why?

It is not okay.

This is the time that I have - right now and all the yesterdays missed.

I post about feeling indifferent about broken glass when I am barefoot, being asleep and perfectly functional at my job, being a blackhole for ownership - a void, in every sense of the word. I feel myself as a little blond girl in a red peacoat on the front of a Christmas card, but instead of peeking through a snowy window, it is a dirty one. And I'm not seeing just a Christmas tree or carolers, I'm watching a life that is wonderful, that is hopeful and weirdly mine. And I'm two-dimensional. I'm flat. I'm an outline or a cut-out. It is not possible to participate in such a life in the state I am in.

Oprah's graceful icons say that they met and beat and survived Struggle to become themselves. I have met Struggle and his persistent allies Doubt and Anxiety, and I have overcome them time and again - especially recently. But nothing. I am still asleep. I am still rolling down a track I have claimed but have no interest in. I am still making someone elses choices because it is so easy to do.

Now what?

Oh, great Oprah, are you out there? Your super-star guests have all the answers.